Alright...so, now that I'm getting a little older, my parents figure I'm "mature" enough to handle certain subjects. They're starting to get a little funky in front of me. My dad was all like "Catherine, you suck!" and my mom just goes, "I don't suck! ...wait...yes I do!" WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS UP WITH THAT!? Then she uses a twinkie as a prop while imitating a B.J motion. I'm too young for that shit. I don't think I'll be able to mature psychologically because of that!
Parents aren't good people to talk to.
Have you ever just said a simple statement to your parent(s) like, "She's this cute girl I know." or something to that effect and they blow it out of proportion and are like, "You gonna marry her?" or some shit. Dude...what the fuck. That's like when a little girl goes, "Mommy, how do people make babies?" and the mom is all like, "Well, hun...the guy puts his ding into the girl's bing and then BANG!" Come on people. That's too much! Birds and bees my white ass! I tell my mother about this girl who I think is cute and yeah I like her and all that jazz but then she just blows it harder than Pam Anderson blew Tommy Lee! Mom...could I have a talk with you without you interrogating me and shit. It's fucking weird. Then I have to get in an awkward convo and it's all fruity and shit. I'd rather skinny jeans then get into talks like those.
A JUSTICE J.P SILFIES MOMENT
So, my first stand-up comedy performace was at the Juke Club in Excelsior Springs and obviously I was a tad bit nervous. I felt like a friggin' virgin that was about to have sex with Angelina Jolie. By the time my name was called, I ran up to the stage and right as I passed the curtains...I tripped and fell on my face in front of everyone. OF COURSE THAT'S GONNA FUCKING HAPPEN TO ME! I was thinking, oh shit...that's the end...I'm done. I was on the verge of pissing all over the fucking stage. So, I decided to lay there for a second. People did begin to laugh. I got up and looked at the audience the way a mother would look at her son after catching him whack off. "I'm not gonna lie.. I did NOT do that on purpose!" I got a bunch of laughs. So, I lost my comedy virginity and got the best orgasm ever. Fuck you, haters!
Hey, do you guys remember that time when that one guy threw his shoes at George Bush? I'm not gonna lie. I thought it was fucking hilarious. I probably watched it on YouTube like twenty times. But seriously? The guys threw his shoes at the president! What good is that gonna do? Maybe the shoe laces will magically wrap around his neck and strangle him. What a fucking hater! I think he's a pussy. Get your foreign punk ass up there and use your shoes to beat the shit out of him at least. And you know what...Bush is a pussy too! I'll admit, he dodged those shoes like a whore dodges cum shots in her eye. But these other guys in suits come out and protect him from a pair of flying shoes! Man, if I was Bush...bitch...I woulda caught those shoes and shoved them up his ass and then I'd beat the foreign shit outta him. Fucking haters..
A Justice j.p silfies moment
Alright, so last night my dad had my phone at work and he recieved some texts from Austin Pettigrew, an oversized teenager who has a leash around his neck from my upstanding ex-girlfriend, Maddie Speer. The text said, "This shit your spreading is really pissing me off.. And if you wanna make a video why don't you make it me kicking your ass because you won't leave someone's fucking girlfriend alone you little fag." HAHA! Damn, I seriously wish I had the phone at that moment. Then it said, "I can't wait until I run into you." I'm too stupid to be intimidated. Seriously, get your fat ass over here and beat the shit outta me. See if I give a fuck. Stop talking big game and start playing. It's moments like these that make my pathetic life worth living. Jesus...the drama that an ex can create. It's just fucking crazy but entertaining!
I'm gonna be a hater for a second.
Alright...I think the majority of the male population think that Justin Bieber is a fag. He sings like he has no left testicle. When this whole Bieber thing started...ugh. Alright.. I didn't even hate Justin Bieber. I didn't give a shit. It was his bitch ass fans. "Oh...my...god! JUSTIN BIEBER! I love him so much. He's so hot! I'm gonna go home and finger myself to the thought of him!" Seriously.. These girls are going overkill with the whole thing. But I let it go and then this bullshit started..."BIEBER FEVER!" Alright, fuck that noise. Now I hate Justin 'I'm famous for singing like a little bitch' Bieber. His fans made me hate him. Justin Bieber is like AIDS. It's spreading throughout the world and it's so damn pathetic. Everytime a chick is creaming in her pants about Justin Bieber...I feel like I'm being ass raped by a fucking squirrel. I hate Justin Bieber.